Mother

It’s that time of year again. The one day where people across the country are manipulated by greeting card giants to profess undying, unconditional, obligatory love for mothers all over the land. And good thing they do! How else would the most thankless, draining, life consuming role/occupation in the history of humankind be recognized?? Don’t get me wrong, the idea of Mother’s Day itself is certainly not a bad one. Showing gratitude and appreciation for the people in our lives, who birthed, shaped, cared, nurtured and taught us right from wrong should be an enjoyable and frequent practice for all of us! But what do you do if you are like many of us whose mothers were not the Donna Reed, Mrs. Cleaver, Carol Brady, OR Claire Huxtable, kind of moms? What do you say or what gift do you give to the moms that just plain hurt some of us through their poor decisions, lack of skills, and overburdened lives? Sometimes, finding the right words to say to our mothers on Mother’s Day can be one of the most difficult and painful experiences for people who have less than perfect relationships with their moms, or less than perfect moms! I remember countless situations, where I’d flip through card after card to find sentiments like…”Mom, you were always there for me…” “Mom, where would I be without you…” “Mom, you are the wind beneath my wings,” “Mother, you are the greatest person on the face of the earth and I worship the ground you walk on and if I ever become half the person you are I still won’t be worthy to sit in your presence…” –you get the picture. It always seemed like Mother’s Day cards were a great reminder of what my mother was not! I always hoped to find a greeting card that said, “Mom, even though your erratic behavior over the years is likely the source of my abandonment issues and low self esteem, I still love you and hope you have a great day,” but I never found a card that said that. Despite the fact that I do love and appreciate my mother very much, I could never find a card that expressed the journey of our relationship, the ups and downs, the struggles we overcame together, and the healing that has yet to take place. If I opted for one of the flowery “I worship you Mom” cards, not only would it be insincere on my part, but I feared it would be insulting to my mother who knew that such was not the case. Over the years I’ve had to be very intentional about looking at the positive things about my mom and our relationship and I have enjoyed finding creative, sincere ways to express those things to her. As a result I think it is fair to say that I am an expert in the art of finding the right words to say on that special card for Mother’s Day. Here are some suggestions:

1. Peruse through the prewritten cards first. Some card companies have come around to idea that not everyone has a picture perfect mother/daughter, mother/son relationship.
2. Don’t pick a card that contains a message that you blatantly do not agree with. Ex: If your mom left when you were six to join the circus and reappeared 20 years later, don’t get a card that says, “Mom, you were always there for me…” That has the potential to sound downright cruel to the free spirit woman who gave you life, so try to avoid it (unless of course you are trying to even the score.)
3. If you find a prewritten card that totally clicks with you but you want to write something personable inside too, might I suggest my “past, present, future” guide. Think of one thing positive about your mom from the past, something you notice about today, and something you hope for in the future.
a. Ex: Dear Mom, I am so thankful for the times you’ve given me [words of wisdom]. I am so happy that today you and I [are understanding each other more and more]. I hope that we continue to [grow and learn together]. Take out the stuff in brackets and fill in the blanks with words that apply to your mom.
4. If you find a prewritten Mother’s Day card that really feels like a good fit and you just don’t know what else to say inside, it’s okay to just write “Love, [your name]” and that’s it. Keep it simple. You can’t go wrong with that option.

Now what if NO prewritten card works?

1. Don’t fret! The amount and quality of blank cards these days should bring comfort to all of us who can’t find prewritten cards that meet our needs! Find an image of something your mom likes. Flowers, stars, landscapes, famous art, etc. If your mom has no interests (which probably means you don’t know her very well) pick a card with an image that might be encouraging, strengthening, or peaceful.
2. Write a message on the inside and consider the “past, present, future” guide mentioned above.
3. Finding famous quotes, or verses from your particular faith text, also works wonderfully here too. Just Google “famous quotes” or “quotes by women” etc, and pick something that fits your mom. My favorite women to quote in cards are, Helen Keller, Maya Angelou, Frida Kahlo, Mother Theresa, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Sojourner Truth. I have relied on the words and life experiences of these fine women to speak words of strength, encouragement, and life to both my mother and me! Why stress yourself out trying to find the right words to say when great thinkers, poets, and saints have already done the work???
4. Last but certainly not least there are a few words that no matter what the situation, never go out of style, and never seem to be unwelcomed. Plain, simple, tried and true, are these four words, “Mom, I love you.”

Okay, so you may be thinking, DUH??!! What if I don’t love my mother? I applaud you for having the strength to admit that. We live in a society that has elevated the role of mother in a way that perpetuates a sexist ideal that women are naturally nurturing types. This presents a problem for women who are not such, and presents an even further problem to those who assert such realities. Being a mother is a job that comes with rewards, responsibilities, and one that certainly requires skills. Some are better at being mothers than others, so I see no reason at all whatsoever to feel obligated to profess unconditional love to our mothers just because they gave birth to us. I will challenge those who say they don’t love their mothers to consider why that is so. Do you have valid reasons for your feelings, or are there some things you could stand to learn about your mother in an effort to get to know her journey, her life struggles, and the reasons she made some of the decisions she’s made (both good and bad)? I encourage you to really think about the possibility of the latter. The more I learn about my mother, the more I grow in compassion toward her, and the more I realize my own selfishness over the years. If your mother truly lacks any shred of human decency to the degree that sharing any appreciation, gratitude, or kind word on her behalf would be an injustice in and of itself, consider sending a Mother’s Day card to someone who has given you life in ways other than biological. I have many “Mother’s” who have nurtured me, given me wisdom, strengthened me, and encouraged me over the years. I love sending them Mother’s Day sentiments!

No matter what your situation is, I hope that Mother’s Day brings opportunities for healing, restoration, gratitude, and warmth. Peace to your soul!