Cravin Game Night in L.A.

Today I went over a friend's house for a Memorial day BBQ. It was actually my friends boyfriend who hosted the party. At first it was the usual, burgers, beer, chips, sitting in the sun, chatting with new friends, an overall real good time. Then as the sun went down it started getting chilly so we moved the party inside. Now mind you, my friend's friends are a bunch of techy minded filmmakers in the making so most of the conversation centered around new lenses, digital blah bitty blah, video games, and avatars. In other words, the convo was kind-a-boring.

When we moved into the living room it ended up that we all sat around the room, almost in a circle chiming in intermittently with awkward small talk while the guys tried to out wit each other. It was so strange! I ended up suggesting that we play a game. One guy curiously asked, "What kind of game?" To which I replied, "I don't know like catch phrase, or taboo or something." The group of people sitting in that room looked at me as if I recommended we eat each other's poop. Then the same guy asked me if I was serious. I said, "Yes I am serious, my family plays games all the time. They can be fun." I don't know if I became uncool when I suggested we play a game or when I admitted to having fun with my family, but the room literally became quiet and awkward. A group of people looked at me simultaneously with expressions that read, "Oh GAWD, please don't make us play some lame game of baldershash!!!" I couldn't help but respond in frustration by saying, "SERIOUSLY??? Are you all sooooooo cool that a good old fashioned group game is beneath you?" Gosh, sometimes I really can't stand L.A. The same guy was still expressing a strange sense of confusion that I would even suggest such a thing let alone be serious about it. Frankly I knew the host of the party likely did not have any of the games I was talking about, but at this point the topic was a matter of principal.

Then it got me thinking, has my generation forgotten how to have good ol' communal fun? What do we do for fun anymore? How wrapped up are we in cynicism and coolness that we can't be seen playing a board game? It's just so sad.

My family is about as crazy and dysfunctional as they come, but somehow, they taught me well how to have a smashing good time on a small budget and without a lot of fluff. Whether it was playing "pick up stix" with my grandma, spades with my uncle, to homemade pictionary with a crew of aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends, we always seemed to have a great time doing things that a lot of people outside of my family don't do anymore. What will these people do when they have kids???? Oy vei!

Those times shaped me in so many ways. They built my confidence, taught me how to be a world class smack talker, and helped me learn some social skills, which these techy nerds could use a few of. I remember going to the coffee shop back home with my best friend in high school and playing cards in the storefront seats for hours. Those were some really cool times in our friendship. Do people ever make time for that kind of stuff anymore? What is wrong with us?

This has all made me realize that for the first time in a long time, I miss home, the unanimous willingness to find fun and humor in less "cool" things, and the type of people who know how to "make a night" of a good game of spoons.

If you can relate to any of this, and you are in the L.A. area, hit me up. I have a deck of cards burning a hole in my pocket.

Be Your Own BFF

Two days ago I sought the help of a trusted friend as I struggled with a decision to contact my ex. I had a seemingly legitimate reason I swear! Earlier that day I received a stupid chain text message on my phone from a number I didn't recognize. I sent a reply text and asked who it was. Turns out it was my ex's daughter. Great. Not only did the the text inform me that it was national "make out" week, it also warned me that if I did not send it to everyone in my contacts list that I would remain single for four years. I REALLY did not need to receive this message from my ex boyfriend's tween-age daughter. After I realized it was her I froze with uncertainty, not having a clue how to respond. What the heck? Should I text her back? Ignore her? What??? I ended up sending her a message that said "oh hey, didn't recognize the number, hope you are well!" To which she replied, "Ya." I left it at that. Afterwards, I contemplated letting my ex know that the whole exchange took place. I worried that somewhere down the road he'd hear that I texted her, and I really didn't want him to think that I was a crazy stalker trying to get to him through his daughter. As I began drafting the email, I made the call to my friend to get a second opinion about my plans. She emphatically insisted that I not send the email. She reminded me that I did not owe him an explanation and challenged me to think about why I was really contacting him. Her advice was very helpful and right on the money, so I ended up deleting the email, confidently knowing that whatever happens on my ex's end is of no concern to me.

Two days later, that same friend called to tell me that not only had she contacted her lowlife, scum of the earth, loser, two timing, sexist, manipulative, ex lover who she dated while he had a girlfriend, she also went out to lunch with him. This piece of crap literally asked her if she would be okay being the "other woman" again because he missed having her in his life yet did not want to hurt the current girlfriend who he plans on marrying. -Again, pig. My friend, despite being beautiful, kind, thoughtful, funny, and just plain wonderful, sincerely struggles to cut this guy off, because lets face it, being single in this oft cruel world is hard. It is so easy to fall back into the most destructive relationships because the are familiar, and they feel good in some (albeit sick and dysfunctional) ways.

After she told me, I made sure not to judge her because I have been in that boat. We usually judge ourselves harshly enough when we do stupid shit like that. I knew she was sharing her actions with me because she was unhappy about them. She didn't need me telling her how stupid she was being. She was beating herself up enough. I tried my best to encourage her to stay strong and to not get side tracked by this slight digression. But most importantly, I reminded her of the valuable advice she gave me two measely days before!

We both kind of chuckled over the whole thing because in my weak moments of stupidity I too have simultaneously given friends kick ass advice that for some reason or another I could not follow myself. WHY IS THAT? Why do we know what others should do, hell we even know what we should do, yet we can never take our own advice? I know that saying, "It's easier said than done" but that explanation doesn't cut it for me. There has to be something far deeper that is to blame for this phenomenon.

Is it possible that we can't follow our own advice because if we could we would be less inclined to depend on one another (in a good way?) Imagine if everyone followed their own advice all the time. Can you imagine how many cell phone bills would drastically go down, how many "Dear Abby" columns would cease, and how many relationship experts would be out of jobs? It would be mayhem! I think it is possible that our dependence on supportive networks, friends, family, etc is a necessary component of a healthy life, BUT where is the balance? I wonder sometimes what it would take to achieve a healthy balance between knowing when to take the advice of others, when to take our own advice, and realizing we are sabotaging ourselves when we choose "none of the above."

Through this tough love, heart to heart conversation with my friend we realized that in addition to sharing great advice with one another, we have come to understand that we really need to learn how to listen to ourselves more. I asked her last night to tell herself what to do as if she was talking to me. In other words, I told her to think of herself as her own best friend. You wouldn't make excuses for your best friend, you wouldn't overlook or minimize your best friends ignoramus of an ex, so why would you when it comes to yourself? If I could be my own BFF I would probably take much better care of myself, and I'd probably make much wiser decisions especially in regards to relationships. Just a thought.

Purses

Can you ever have enough purses?










The answer...no, you cannot. They always fit, they are the best way to seal the deal on an outfit that ain't quite cuttin it, and if you buy one from me, you can guarantee that you'll have the only one of it's kind in the ENTIRE WORLD. Take a look at my recent designs.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=21118&l=2648e&id=655071543

If you like what you see, let mama make you one special. I am like the d.j. of purses, I take requests. Also, send me your torn, your worn out, your clothing in need of a makeover and I will rebirth it into an accessory that you can carry your crap in.

email me at daniellegraham75@hotmail.com

Mother

It’s that time of year again. The one day where people across the country are manipulated by greeting card giants to profess undying, unconditional, obligatory love for mothers all over the land. And good thing they do! How else would the most thankless, draining, life consuming role/occupation in the history of humankind be recognized?? Don’t get me wrong, the idea of Mother’s Day itself is certainly not a bad one. Showing gratitude and appreciation for the people in our lives, who birthed, shaped, cared, nurtured and taught us right from wrong should be an enjoyable and frequent practice for all of us! But what do you do if you are like many of us whose mothers were not the Donna Reed, Mrs. Cleaver, Carol Brady, OR Claire Huxtable, kind of moms? What do you say or what gift do you give to the moms that just plain hurt some of us through their poor decisions, lack of skills, and overburdened lives? Sometimes, finding the right words to say to our mothers on Mother’s Day can be one of the most difficult and painful experiences for people who have less than perfect relationships with their moms, or less than perfect moms! I remember countless situations, where I’d flip through card after card to find sentiments like…”Mom, you were always there for me…” “Mom, where would I be without you…” “Mom, you are the wind beneath my wings,” “Mother, you are the greatest person on the face of the earth and I worship the ground you walk on and if I ever become half the person you are I still won’t be worthy to sit in your presence…” –you get the picture. It always seemed like Mother’s Day cards were a great reminder of what my mother was not! I always hoped to find a greeting card that said, “Mom, even though your erratic behavior over the years is likely the source of my abandonment issues and low self esteem, I still love you and hope you have a great day,” but I never found a card that said that. Despite the fact that I do love and appreciate my mother very much, I could never find a card that expressed the journey of our relationship, the ups and downs, the struggles we overcame together, and the healing that has yet to take place. If I opted for one of the flowery “I worship you Mom” cards, not only would it be insincere on my part, but I feared it would be insulting to my mother who knew that such was not the case. Over the years I’ve had to be very intentional about looking at the positive things about my mom and our relationship and I have enjoyed finding creative, sincere ways to express those things to her. As a result I think it is fair to say that I am an expert in the art of finding the right words to say on that special card for Mother’s Day. Here are some suggestions:

1. Peruse through the prewritten cards first. Some card companies have come around to idea that not everyone has a picture perfect mother/daughter, mother/son relationship.
2. Don’t pick a card that contains a message that you blatantly do not agree with. Ex: If your mom left when you were six to join the circus and reappeared 20 years later, don’t get a card that says, “Mom, you were always there for me…” That has the potential to sound downright cruel to the free spirit woman who gave you life, so try to avoid it (unless of course you are trying to even the score.)
3. If you find a prewritten card that totally clicks with you but you want to write something personable inside too, might I suggest my “past, present, future” guide. Think of one thing positive about your mom from the past, something you notice about today, and something you hope for in the future.
a. Ex: Dear Mom, I am so thankful for the times you’ve given me [words of wisdom]. I am so happy that today you and I [are understanding each other more and more]. I hope that we continue to [grow and learn together]. Take out the stuff in brackets and fill in the blanks with words that apply to your mom.
4. If you find a prewritten Mother’s Day card that really feels like a good fit and you just don’t know what else to say inside, it’s okay to just write “Love, [your name]” and that’s it. Keep it simple. You can’t go wrong with that option.

Now what if NO prewritten card works?

1. Don’t fret! The amount and quality of blank cards these days should bring comfort to all of us who can’t find prewritten cards that meet our needs! Find an image of something your mom likes. Flowers, stars, landscapes, famous art, etc. If your mom has no interests (which probably means you don’t know her very well) pick a card with an image that might be encouraging, strengthening, or peaceful.
2. Write a message on the inside and consider the “past, present, future” guide mentioned above.
3. Finding famous quotes, or verses from your particular faith text, also works wonderfully here too. Just Google “famous quotes” or “quotes by women” etc, and pick something that fits your mom. My favorite women to quote in cards are, Helen Keller, Maya Angelou, Frida Kahlo, Mother Theresa, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Sojourner Truth. I have relied on the words and life experiences of these fine women to speak words of strength, encouragement, and life to both my mother and me! Why stress yourself out trying to find the right words to say when great thinkers, poets, and saints have already done the work???
4. Last but certainly not least there are a few words that no matter what the situation, never go out of style, and never seem to be unwelcomed. Plain, simple, tried and true, are these four words, “Mom, I love you.”

Okay, so you may be thinking, DUH??!! What if I don’t love my mother? I applaud you for having the strength to admit that. We live in a society that has elevated the role of mother in a way that perpetuates a sexist ideal that women are naturally nurturing types. This presents a problem for women who are not such, and presents an even further problem to those who assert such realities. Being a mother is a job that comes with rewards, responsibilities, and one that certainly requires skills. Some are better at being mothers than others, so I see no reason at all whatsoever to feel obligated to profess unconditional love to our mothers just because they gave birth to us. I will challenge those who say they don’t love their mothers to consider why that is so. Do you have valid reasons for your feelings, or are there some things you could stand to learn about your mother in an effort to get to know her journey, her life struggles, and the reasons she made some of the decisions she’s made (both good and bad)? I encourage you to really think about the possibility of the latter. The more I learn about my mother, the more I grow in compassion toward her, and the more I realize my own selfishness over the years. If your mother truly lacks any shred of human decency to the degree that sharing any appreciation, gratitude, or kind word on her behalf would be an injustice in and of itself, consider sending a Mother’s Day card to someone who has given you life in ways other than biological. I have many “Mother’s” who have nurtured me, given me wisdom, strengthened me, and encouraged me over the years. I love sending them Mother’s Day sentiments!

No matter what your situation is, I hope that Mother’s Day brings opportunities for healing, restoration, gratitude, and warmth. Peace to your soul!

Crappy Computer

Tonight I had moment of weakness. I was as close as two horny teenagers at a slow dance to sending my "ex" (I hate calling him that) an email telling him I miss him. Here's the deal, I really do miss him. I am not just being sappy and nostalgic. He is a great person to talk politics with and lately I don't feel like I can talk with many people about politics. I often engage in dialogue where I have to defend my political leanings which is great, but every once in a while it's nice to have someone who thinks similarly. With all the Barack Obama/Rev. Jeremiah Wright drama going on, it is KILLING me that I can't find anyone who thinks that RJW is a grossly misunderstood voice of truth in a country that is blinded by its own racist denial. I know my ex is probably thinking the same thing, which certainly intensifies the ex-boyfriend shaped hole in my heart. (I think that has to be the worst sentence I have ever written, but it makes a point."

Anywho, tonight I started to write an email to him explaining how much I missed our political talks. I was about to finish the last line of the message and my piece of crap computer shut down for no good reason, subsequently saving me from making a HUUUUUUUUUUGE mistake. For once, I have a reason to be thankful for this hunk of junk. Thank you, my unpredictable, undependable Compaq Presario. Seriously, thank you for sparing me from making an ass of myself. I owe you one.

Self Portrait