Last night I forgot how old I was, and I "went out" for St. Patrick's Day with a co-seminarian friend of mine. We went to a club/bar in L.A. called The Standard. Well, the Standard is actually a hotel. We went to the bar on the roof of The Standard. Now let me just give you a little background info so you get the full "ish" of my overall experience. This place is as L.A. as it gets. Digital projections, modular, orb-like furniture, pulsating music, and secret service looking security guards greet you upon entrance if you are lucky enough to be "on the list." I was on the coolest of lists because I didn't even have to wait in line. My friend knew the DJ who was spinning so we went to the front of a line of about 50 people, gave our names, got our snazzy little arm bands and went on our way. I could feel the envious stares peering at us from the other side of the velvet rope. I was uncomfortable with the whole scene but I admit I sure did feel like I was the recipient of kharmic restitution for all the times I was picked last on the team in junior high. So my friend and I made our way to the roof top bar which looked out over the L.A. skyline to the most breathtaking urban view I've seen since I've moved here. The swimming pool, and waterbed pods certainly added to my delight. My friend and I ordered a couple of drinks and proceeded to shake our groove thangs a little bit on the dance floor. That is when I met Jonathan.
Jonathan was an average looking guy, well dressed, smelled good, seemed like a nice guy. He said hello and started with your typical small talk progression. He asked what I "did" and I told him I was in graduate school. He let out a sigh of sincere disappointment and said, "Really? Oh damn, that's not what a guy wants to hear! I was really looking for a dumb girl tonight." Normally, anyone who knows me might assume that I would be disgustingly offended by such a brute, but I wasn't! I actually laughed, and felt more refreshed than if I jumped into the rooftop swimming pool! I told Jonathan that his honesty was much appreciated and I wished him well in his pursuits of a dumb girl. He proceeded to explain (even though I needed no explanation) that he really wanted to have sex with a dumb girl that he could disgrace (this is what he actually said) and told me that smart girls don't allow for that sort of thing. Wow...Yeah...WOW. That's pretty much all I could say too. He asked if there was any chance that I could pretend to be dumb for him. Ummm... yeah, no. He then went on to explain that there is nothing more unattractive than a smart woman, and talked to me as if my looks had been wasted on a body that actually had a brain in it. As vile and disgusting this misogynist's (I won't even disgrace men by calling this thing a man) views of women were, he really asserted what I am sure many think but just don't have the gull or gumption to admit out loud for fear of seeming like a Neanderthal. This dude, for some reason lacked the social constraint that tells a healthy person "you are not supposed to think that way and if you do, you are certainly not supposed to say it out loud!" To be honest, I really think I am better off that he did lack that social constraint! Imagine if he would have put on false pretenses just to play the game, or whatever it is people do these days. I might have fallen for a crap load of lies. Instead, I was able to know up front that this guy was a person that I wanted to stay the hell away from. -That part is the good part at least. The bad part is that I suspect his philosophy is not all that rare. I suspect (and have for quite some time) that many seemingly decent men share the mentality that smart women are a threat, and do you want to know why? WE ARE!!! Smart women are a threat to men who have fragile egos, mommy issues, daddy's who didn't love them, and an insatiable need to use sex as a means of obtaining power and masculinity. This guy actually admitted to me that he enjoys disgracing women sexually, and insisted that such a thing could be "hot" with a willing partner. (He used the word disgrace!)He was not an unintelligent man either! On the contrary! He was intelligent and crafty in his approach to gender relations. That's the scariest part! Anyway, all this to say that the confirmation and revelation I received through this conversation allowed me the satisfaction of knowing that I am not crazy. I am seen as less attractive (by some) not because of my looks-I am doing alright in that department, but because of my brains, the fact that I can carry on an intelligent conversation, and I can call a guy out (and do) when he is an asshole. I don't know if it is maturity or what, but it is interactions like this that help me to no longer lose any sleep over this reality. In fact, if being smart, having goals, critical thinking skills, socio-political awareness, and a couple of degrees under my belt helps me deter the likes of Jonathan, my hundreds of thousands of dollars of school loans was money well spent. I don't think intelligence requires degrees either. Intelligence is a mixture of confidence in yourself, respect for who you are as a person and as a woman, wisdom and strength to do what gives you life, and the ability spot a wolf in sheep's clothing (or strength to leave one when such a reality is revealed.) There are many ways we can learn how to do those things. I believe the more women strive to be holistically "smart" the greater chance we have at bringing the Jonathan's of this world to extinction.
About Me
- Danielle Graham Robinson
- Danielle Graham Robinson lives in Pittsburgh PA with her amazing husband Raymond Robinson. She complains a lot, but that is only because she has so much love for the world. She loves eating breakfast, and her favorite color is pink. She collects hearts, loves when people comment on her blogs, and is planning to be her own boss some day.
5 comments:
omg. this is out of control. i can't believe a guy would actually ADMIT this. luckily he didn't get far enough to ask WHY you are in graduate school studying :)
I feel sorry for that guy. Too bad he is gonna make a lot of women sorry too.
I was in a relationship once, with a girl I deemed to be more intelligent than myself. I was deeply fascinated by her wits, and the wisdom and understanding that came along with it heightened my respect for her. When I think back at it now, I nonetheless believe that it sometimes made be feel inferior; but it was leveled out because I was older and had more life experience.
I do think, though, that we men are culturally infused to feel stronger in some way. Unfortunately for many woman, the only strength their man has sits in his arm...
[The following comment was posted at Facebook in a discussion of the present blog. Following a request from Blog Master D, I re-post it here.]
Lotsa cred to my favorite feminist, Danielle!
I like it when women, or anyone really, are able to discern and express a problem so clearly. I believe Jonathan was a bit extreme, and definitely unique in his cynicism, but his attitude is symptomatic. I believe many men are deeply insecure, and they bloat their self esteem by stepping on others. I hope I am not too much like Jonathan, but I fear that I follow the same pattern in other ways.
And that's the thing, frequently we are not able to see our own dysfunctions. At least I can give Jonathan credit for being aware of his own motivation. We fall into a behavior where we steal from another person's weakness - an area where they are not able to protect the little they have - and feed our own insecurity.
I don't believe men are much worse than woman, but we tend to be in a position of power (be it physical or otherwise) and can do a lot of harm.
Oh, just for the record: I find your (high) intelligence very attractive, Danielle :-)
Um, I don't get it. What did Jonathan do wrong? After reading your blog and the comments of others, I'm starting to get really nervous about the way I talk to women. Wow, I didn't know it was so terrible to treat the opposite gender like a MacDonald's Happy Meal.
Confessions of a Recovered Chauvinist:
On a more serious and less sarcastic note, let me confess that, for many years, I was one of those somewhat insecure guys that felt threatened by competent, confident women, though my issues were more subtle (or, at least I hope they were). But I married a REALLY competent, confident, intelligent woman eleven years ago. For some reason she is still with me, God bless her. For the first year of marriage there were ways that I felt threatened by her and came face to face with my chauvinism, like the way I reluctantly handed the "bookkeeping" over to her (because, yes, like most things, she is more competent than me in handling finances). Now I look back at those struggles and view them as petty and humorous. Heck, I am actually the opposite of what I was back then, regarding my attitude toward women. I now find intelligent, confident women (i.e., my WIFE) wonderfully attractive and I tend to feel sorry for those who are not, for better or for worse. I figure that my "security in my masculinity" has come about not only by being married for so long to a strong woman, and coming to really respect her womanliness and the value that it adds to my own life, but also by how I am now approaching middle age, have three kids, and am a PhD student with a masters degree already under my belt. In other words, I'm no longer in the stage of life where I am trying to prove my manhood or prove to people that I am smart and capable. I think that those struggles are now behind me (though new/different kinds of struggles have taken their place).
So, all that to say, praise God for strong, capable, intelligent, competent women.
Ok, I'll wade in from the guys' side. That dude's a moron! Sure, guys definitely feel pressure to "be on top" (pun intended). I don't know where this came from but it's there and guys CAN feel threatened by smart women because they CAN make us feel like we don't have it all together and thus are less of a man. But that's putting our eggs in the wrong basket. Just like you said about women, so much of our intelligence and attractiveness come from confidence in who we are and the ability to be that person regardless of how others try to label you, change you, or put you down. Even as I write this I realize I could be put down by some people for what I'm about to say (hopefully not too many guys at Fuller, though!)--the "dumb girl" bit doesn't cut it. It's not attractive. It's not cute. It's annoying. Please don't let Jonathon speak for guys everywhere. Jonathon's like the guy that Hitch won't work with--he got burned by women somewhere along the way and has an ax to grind with them to get revenge and some semblance of control in his life. He's got a vendetta and unfortunately there are plenty of girls who will fall for his pseudo-authenticity. Sorry, I need a girl with a brain. I mean, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer by any means, but I need someone I can have a conversation with. Someone with an intelligent sense of humor. Someone who will speak her mind and be ok when I speak mine. Someone with interests that go beyond celebrity gossip and Pinkberry (nothing inherently wrong with these, mind you...as long as there's something else of substance there).
Ok, I could keep going and maybe should, but I gotta get somewhere. Just remember the message from this Neanderthal...smart girls good. dumb girls bad.
Post a Comment