Wish for Prayers

When I was a senior in high school, (fifteen g.d. years ago!) I was really involved with the youth group at a local church. I met my closest friends there who have become like sisters to me. I also met people who would become partners in ministry that I would come to love and respect greatly. One such person was a woman I'll call Liv (for confidentiality reasons). Liv was a pretty cool chick. She was creative, outspoken, committed, and unconventional. She was a few years younger than me, but I may have looked up to her more than she did to me because I respected her unique style and natural beauty. Live dated a guy on an off in high school who was equally as cool. They both had an affinity for fusing the punk scene and Christianity. They truly seemed like they were made for each other. Over the years I kept in touch off an on, and during college I ended up working with Liv doing urban ministry kind of stuff. Liv ended up marrying her high school sweet heart and they moved out of state to pursue college ministry. We have exchanged newsletters, e-mails sporadically, and have supported each other either financially or prayerfully or both, over they years. I don't know them super well, but there is something about their partnership in something bigger that has kept them in my thoughts. I recently received an e-mail that Liv's 31 year old brother was recently diagnosed with a terminal illness and has been given literally weeks to live. In the email they shared that Liv's brother has been anything but kind to himself over the years and is paying harshly for a life of poor decision making. In the email Liv's brother petitioned prayer from friends and family, and shared with great humility and vulnerability her brother's painful struggle with addiction. She also enclosed a photo of the two of them. I hear a lot of bad news in typical day, and most of the time I just try to block it out or I figure out if there is something I can do about it and I try to do it. In this case though, I just couldn't help but feel really broken hearted for Liv's brother, and family. Hearing their plea for prayer was really hard to ignore. The problem for me though is that I can't pray right now. I am in the midst of a pretty unexpected and slightly problematic (for a seminary student) bout of doubt. After reading the email though, I wanted to do something, but what else is there to do if you don't pray? You do the next best thing, you ask other people to pray. The irony is rich, I know. If I have enough faith to believe that someone else's prayers mean something, why would I think mine wouldn't? It's so bizarre. But it is what it is. Anyway, I literally sent out a mass email to friends and family explaining the situation my friends are in and of course, I asked them to pray. I must have sent the email to about 50 people. A couple of days go by and I get an e-mail from my grandmother. My grandmother is close to 80 years old. She has limited use of the right side of her body because of Multiple Sclerosis, and she recently had invasive heart surgery. Somewhere, between healing from surgery, going for her daily swim, and praying the Rosary, she found the time to send me an e-mail. This is what she wrote: "



"I always pray for those suffering from any kind of addiction... I will continue to pray for Liv and her brother. It's the saddest thing in the world when folks sufferfrom addictions. Hopefully they'll find God in their lives also. Life is sure filled with painful situations. I am home two weeks after spending six weeksbetween hospital and nursing home. I'm on the mend and went to Church today for the Good Friday Service on my second day out; the first was for a doctor'sappointment... Well my dear, Grandpap just about has dinner ready; he made salmon... which we love. I'll have to close for now; I'll be in touch in between physical and occupational therapists coming to the house, Happy Easter and lots of love, Grandma.



My Grandma barely has the use of her right hand yet she types me an email (which she taught herself to do over the past few years) to tell me that she is praying for my friends, and I know she is, faithfully! She is in pain, she is not able to do the things she wants to do in life, yet she finds time to selflessly lift up the struggles of people she doesn't even know, and she does this every single day. I seriously do not know anyone like her. I often wish that I had the kind of prayer life my grandma has. Not just the prayer life, but the ability to believe that it makes a difference. I just don't have that, which admittedly is pretty difficult. I am so much stronger than my grandma (physically) and I have more opportunities, education, and academic accomplishments than my grandma will ever know, but somehow I look at her at think that she has for more than I will ever have. Heres to wishes for prayers like hers.

Machine

This afternoon I celebrated Easter with some friends and family. I listened to an interesting sermon on the radio and then made my way a restaraunt that infuses everything with garlic, inlcuding their signature garlic ice cream. After brunch I drove home with my windows down enjoying the beautiful day. I am not sure if it was the amount of food I ate or the fact that it was a lazy Sunday afternoon, but when I got home I was exhausted. I opened my windows, let the unseasonably warm spring breeze fill my apartment and I took a nap. In my garlic infused slumber I had another one of my bizarre dreams. I only remember two distint scenarios from this dream and I don't recall how or if the two scenarios intersected somehow. They may have even been two separate dreams. Anyway, the first part I remember involved a celebrity hitting on me. Now you might think, ooooh cool! Who was it? Whas it hot? Was he hot? I myself would ask the same question if I were you, because afterall, dreams do provide us with opportunities to do things [and people] we wouldn't or couldn't possible have the opportunity to do in real life. Plus, because it's our subconcious at work, we can't be morally held responsible for whatever happens in our dreams, right? Its like a free pass to get freaky. So getting back to the celebrity in my dream...I wish I could say it was George Clooney, Common, maybe Justin Timberlake, or even my favorite funny man Jack Black. Unfortunately, my subconcious was not so kind to me. My celebrity hit man? Bill Cosby. Yes, I had a dream that Bill Cosby was putting the moves on me. Thankfully, I declined his advances in my dream but cited his political views as the reason. -Yeah, I need help.

But then I had another dream that kind of rocked my world a little bit.

I remember being in a really big house where a party was going on. I was walking through different rooms and the house and people seemed to be doing typical party things. I walked through a family room type of room where guys and girls were sitting around talking, drinking and eating. I kept walking through the room and found a door that led to the garage where I found this huge machine like contraption in the middle of the room. I was facsinated with this machine to such a degree that I decided to climb into it. While I sat in the middle of the machine, I realized that there was no way out of it. Every spot that seemed like an out was obstructed with metal claw like devices. I started getting scared, and began considering other options of getting out of this thing. I could have yelled for help, but for some reason I didn't want anyone to know that I was stuck! Instead, I opted for my second idea. I decided to dismantle the machine from the inside out in order to free myself from the grips of it. I started unscrewing small parts and then as pieces began to loosen and come free, I used the bigger pieces as tools to dislodge the even bigger pieces. It felt like it took forever, but eventually, I looked around and saw that the big machine that I got myself trapped into, was now dismantled into hundreds of pieces, and I just got up and walked away.

I think that has to be the coolest dream I have ever had! I love the idea that in order to escape the dilemma I got myself into, I had to completely dismantle what trapped me. I hope if I have any situations in my life that trap me, that I find the strength and patience to dismantle that situation from the inside out. Yeah, that would be really cool.

As far as the Cosby thing goes, your guess is as good as mine on that one. Maybe it was the all the garlic.

Dumb it Down for Dudes?

Last night I forgot how old I was, and I "went out" for St. Patrick's Day with a co-seminarian friend of mine. We went to a club/bar in L.A. called The Standard. Well, the Standard is actually a hotel. We went to the bar on the roof of The Standard. Now let me just give you a little background info so you get the full "ish" of my overall experience. This place is as L.A. as it gets. Digital projections, modular, orb-like furniture, pulsating music, and secret service looking security guards greet you upon entrance if you are lucky enough to be "on the list." I was on the coolest of lists because I didn't even have to wait in line. My friend knew the DJ who was spinning so we went to the front of a line of about 50 people, gave our names, got our snazzy little arm bands and went on our way. I could feel the envious stares peering at us from the other side of the velvet rope. I was uncomfortable with the whole scene but I admit I sure did feel like I was the recipient of kharmic restitution for all the times I was picked last on the team in junior high. So my friend and I made our way to the roof top bar which looked out over the L.A. skyline to the most breathtaking urban view I've seen since I've moved here. The swimming pool, and waterbed pods certainly added to my delight. My friend and I ordered a couple of drinks and proceeded to shake our groove thangs a little bit on the dance floor. That is when I met Jonathan.
Jonathan was an average looking guy, well dressed, smelled good, seemed like a nice guy. He said hello and started with your typical small talk progression. He asked what I "did" and I told him I was in graduate school. He let out a sigh of sincere disappointment and said, "Really? Oh damn, that's not what a guy wants to hear! I was really looking for a dumb girl tonight." Normally, anyone who knows me might assume that I would be disgustingly offended by such a brute, but I wasn't! I actually laughed, and felt more refreshed than if I jumped into the rooftop swimming pool! I told Jonathan that his honesty was much appreciated and I wished him well in his pursuits of a dumb girl. He proceeded to explain (even though I needed no explanation) that he really wanted to have sex with a dumb girl that he could disgrace (this is what he actually said) and told me that smart girls don't allow for that sort of thing. Wow...Yeah...WOW. That's pretty much all I could say too. He asked if there was any chance that I could pretend to be dumb for him. Ummm... yeah, no. He then went on to explain that there is nothing more unattractive than a smart woman, and talked to me as if my looks had been wasted on a body that actually had a brain in it. As vile and disgusting this misogynist's (I won't even disgrace men by calling this thing a man) views of women were, he really asserted what I am sure many think but just don't have the gull or gumption to admit out loud for fear of seeming like a Neanderthal. This dude, for some reason lacked the social constraint that tells a healthy person "you are not supposed to think that way and if you do, you are certainly not supposed to say it out loud!" To be honest, I really think I am better off that he did lack that social constraint! Imagine if he would have put on false pretenses just to play the game, or whatever it is people do these days. I might have fallen for a crap load of lies. Instead, I was able to know up front that this guy was a person that I wanted to stay the hell away from. -That part is the good part at least. The bad part is that I suspect his philosophy is not all that rare. I suspect (and have for quite some time) that many seemingly decent men share the mentality that smart women are a threat, and do you want to know why? WE ARE!!! Smart women are a threat to men who have fragile egos, mommy issues, daddy's who didn't love them, and an insatiable need to use sex as a means of obtaining power and masculinity. This guy actually admitted to me that he enjoys disgracing women sexually, and insisted that such a thing could be "hot" with a willing partner. (He used the word disgrace!)He was not an unintelligent man either! On the contrary! He was intelligent and crafty in his approach to gender relations. That's the scariest part! Anyway, all this to say that the confirmation and revelation I received through this conversation allowed me the satisfaction of knowing that I am not crazy. I am seen as less attractive (by some) not because of my looks-I am doing alright in that department, but because of my brains, the fact that I can carry on an intelligent conversation, and I can call a guy out (and do) when he is an asshole. I don't know if it is maturity or what, but it is interactions like this that help me to no longer lose any sleep over this reality. In fact, if being smart, having goals, critical thinking skills, socio-political awareness, and a couple of degrees under my belt helps me deter the likes of Jonathan, my hundreds of thousands of dollars of school loans was money well spent. I don't think intelligence requires degrees either. Intelligence is a mixture of confidence in yourself, respect for who you are as a person and as a woman, wisdom and strength to do what gives you life, and the ability spot a wolf in sheep's clothing (or strength to leave one when such a reality is revealed.) There are many ways we can learn how to do those things. I believe the more women strive to be holistically "smart" the greater chance we have at bringing the Jonathan's of this world to extinction.