Too Much Information

If you are at all attracted to me in a romantic sense, think you may be attracted to me in a romantic sense in the future, or are grossed out by topics like girls farting, vomitting or having diarrhea then DO NOT read this blog. I repeat DO NOT read this blog.

For the rest of you, I feel compelled to share a recent experience that I had, that I kinda wish I didn't. I am compelled to share this experience because it was so awful, I just don't feel like I should have to keep it to myself. I should be able to share this experience with the hopes of finding out that maybe someone else has experienced something similar, or maybe I need to share it just to get some sympathy. Either way, I believe that my experience is one that epitomizes what it means to be human in all its ugliness.

Okay, here goes. Yesterday was one of those mornings that when I woke up, I just knew something in my body wasn't right. I felt this strange sour feeling in my stomach and was hoping that it would fade after I took a shower and got my morning started. I took a shower, got dressed, had some chips and salsa for breakfast (what? doesn't EVERYONE eat chips and salsa for breakfast when they have an upset stomach?) and attempted to enjoy the last few hours with friends and family in Pittsburgh before leaving for L.A. No matter how hard I tried though, I just couldn't shake the funny feelings in my belly. I was also feeling really tired and slightly nauseous. I started to feel a little achy too. You know... that feeling that makes you aware of every hair on your body. Still I tried to fight it off and in my head committed to an attitude of mind over matter because I had a plane to catch and certainly could not be sick on the plane. When the time came, my best friend drove me to the airport. I said my goodbyes :-( and headed inside. After I checked in I realized that all I ate all day was chips and salsa. Maybe the feelings in my body were hunger. Yeah that must have been it. Because at 32 years old I certainly know the difference between hunger and nausea right??? The assessment that I was hungry led me to TGIFridays so I could use the $10 gift card my mom gave me before she said goodbye. I sat down at the table and placed an order for bacon and cheese stuffed potato skins and a large iced tea because, well why not??? I eat almost half of the potato skins before realizing that I am not hungry after all. I am in fact sick. Sick in the "the smell of bacon suddenly smells like the burning rotting flesh of a pig" kind of sick. I asked the waitress to box the rest of my lunch, paid my bill and made my way to the newsstand to buy some Pepto Bismol. It was at this point that I realized the potato skins were the worst decision of 2008. I headed to my departure gate to await boarding and every single second seemed like an eternity. I knew it was only a matter of time before my digestive system would erupt into a fountain of disgustingness. I decided to go to the counter to see what my options were for getting on another flight. I found out I could leave Pgh the next day but it would cost $100 which I didn't really have. I convinced myself that I was feeling better and decided to get on the plane-the 2nd worse decision of 2008. The second I found my seat I snagged a flight attendant and told her that I was definitely going to hurl and asked her if she could arrange for someone sitting closer to the bathroom to switch seats with me. A kind soul obliged. I moved my stuff to a seat that was two feet away from the restrooms which could not have been more timely. I immediately rushed to the bathroom and to my surprise the eruption I expected did not come from the source I initially expected. It felt like I was peeing out of my butt. I know TOO MUCH INFORMATION but seriously this is what happened to me! I went back to my seat, (with a sore seat, if you know what I mean) and tried to convince myself that there wasn't a horrible odor filling the rear of the plane. Then the plane took off. About 15 minutes into the flight, nature called again. This time eruptions decided to explode from every end. I puked and shat myself into a frenzy in that airplane bathroom. It was the worst experience I can remember on record in my brain. It didn't help that Pittsburgh skies were filled with air pockets and turbulence. Have you ever tried to take turns puking and shitting in a turbulent airplane bathroom? I don't recommend it. This whole charade continued about every twenty minutes for the entire five hours on my flight. The flight attendants kindly stopped by with ginger ale and asked how I was doing every once in a while. You might think that things could not get any worse. I assure you, they did. At one point I felt so nauseous but I couldn't throw up. Standing up made me feel worse so I purposely stood up so that it would allow me to throw up. I just wanted to rid myself of the toxins! As I stood up I felt what on any other occasion would have been the sensation of an innocent fart about to release itself into the air. I didn't consider the possibility that the sensation could be the origin of my most mortifying adult moment to date. I entertained the senstion by letting it run its course only to be shocked and awed at the warm gush that rested in my pretty pink thong underwear. I shit myself in an airplane bathroom while wearing a thong. Do you even have the brain capacity to absorb such a nightmare??? Luckily, my quick reaction time allowed me to squeeze my cheeks enough to prevent a complete meltdown. In other words, it wasn't alot of gush, but it was enough for me to WANT TO RIP OFF THE EMERGENCY EXIT DOOR, AND VOLUNTARILY JUMP, PLUMMETTING TO MY UNTIMELY DEATH! I pulled my pants off sat on the toilet in utter disbelief and rinsed out my otherwise sexy underwear in the itty bitty sink of the airplane bathroom. I used the good smelling handsoap to create a makeshift soak cycle and dried them off by squeezing them with paper towels. I put them back on even though they were damp because in my then state I just didn't think it was safe to go commando in my jeans. I went back to my seat knowing that the neighboring passengers had to have known that something was not right with me. I had to of been in that bathroom for a good 15 minutes. I made a few more trips to the bathroom after that, but eventually in the midst of all of this I made it off that god forsaken flight. My friend Michiline picked me up from the airport, took me to the grocery store and picked up some ginger ale, saltines, jello, and chicken broth for me. Later I talked to another friend who assured me that even though my situation was the all time worst, that EVERYONE has had a similar experience at some point in their lives. I guess that in the worst of human embarrassment and mortifying experiences, we can find beauty in the fact that we are not alone in such circumstances. Hopefully when we experience those situations we can all have kind flight attendants with ginger ale and encouraging 80's rocker look alikes that push you to "hang in there" when both bathrooms are occupied and you just don't think you can hold it in any longer.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I sincerely hope that "too much information" reminds you that some of the worst shit we experience in life is the same shit that everyone else experiences. So we are not alone after all, or at least that is the hope.

And in the words of a wise old friend who has a "miso soup incident" of her own "May all shit stories unite!"